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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25963054">Bits and Pieces:  Little stories of the Barba-Carisis</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now'>Ava_now</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Barisi Dads AU [23]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Baby's First Word, Dads in Love, Family Feels, Gay Marriage, Hospitalization, Lullabies, M/M, Parenting skills, Self-Esteem Issues, Vows, Wedding ceremonies, missing an undercover spouse, pediatric illness, sleeping babies, supportive friends, the facts of life - Freeform, undercover dad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 01:47:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,128</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25963054</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This work includes shorter fics about details into the Barba-Carisis' lives.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Barisi Dads AU [23]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1541101</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Why Sonny Does Bathtime and Rafael Does Bedtime</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I hope this turns out to be fun!</p><p>This is a work that i'm hoping you guys can help with.  I've started writing smaller fics about little details of the Barba-Carisis, and how certain parts of their lives came to be.  I'm starting with three chapters.  The first explains how they came to the routine of Sonny being in charge of bathtime and Rafael being in charge of bedtime.  The second is how she got her knuffle bunny, the little stuffed rabbit she carries everywhere.  The third is about her first word.</p><p>Have questions about any of the fics and why they do certain things, or how certain things work in their household?  If you have a prompt or a question, this is a place to suggest or ask!  Who knows, you may inspire a bit more of their story!  As always though, thanks for reading, and please consider leaving kudos and/or comments!  Thanks so much!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sonny nuzzled his baby daughter closer, trying to calm her down.  She’d been crying nonstop for the last thirty minutes, and he was running out of ideas.  Bella had told him he could stop this in a handful of nights if he’d just put the baby down and let her cry it out.  He wished that was an option.  But when he’d talked to Rafael about it, his husband’s eyes had grown to roughly the size of dinner plates before he said, “Are you suggesting we leave a three-month old baby alone and not comfort her at </span>
  <em>
    <span>all?</span>
  </em>
  <span>  Isn’t that how those Romanian orphans in the nineties lost part of their brain mass?  Is that practice still even legal?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So maybe it was an older, more traditional practice.  They had asked their pediatrician, Dr. Singh, who had immediately winced.  “Generally, we tend to discourage that sort of thing now.  I know most of us grew up with it, but we know more now about how babies’ brains function.  I can recommend some books for you, or even a parenting class that could help?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael had taken the booklist and hit the library for what he could get immediately, and Amazon for the rest.  “I’ve downloaded two onto your kindle,” he told Sonny that night over dinner.  “I figure if you read those two, and I read these three, we’ll have a good amount of information and won’t have to do something like emotionally abandon our baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny had made a face.  “I realize my family may seem like we’re not geniuses, but we love kids, Rafi...nobody’s harming kids in my family!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not saying that.”  Rafael leaned in over his plate of mussels and pasta.  “But you and I both committed to do the very best we could for Marlene, and after talking to Dr. Singh, don’t you think there are better things we can do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So they’d been trying them.  Nighttime routines, things that should relax the baby, a white noise machine.  Gina had even gotten her a light machine that allowed little shapes to move across her walls and ceiling at night so she wouldn’t be bored or alone.  But tonight she was still crying, and he couldn’t think of anything else to do.  He rocked back and forth in the rocking chair, trying to shush her, and wishing Rafael would get home from work.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, baby...no luck tonight, huh?”  Rafael came into the nursery, and Sonny fought back the pathetic urge to throw his arms around him and cry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No luck at all,” he said, feeling completely useless as he looked at Marlene’s unhappy, crying face.  Tears streamed down the baby’s cheeks and her mouth curled in an angry O as she sharply let forth another wail.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Want me to take her for a bit?”  Rafael held out his arms.  Sonny started to hand her over, but paused.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You haven’t even changed yet, Rafi.  Don’t you want--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shook his head.  “You’re exhausted, Sonny.  Let me take her.  Maybe a change will help.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny handed the tiny baby over to his husband, and let Rafael take his place in the overstuffed rocker.  “There, there, mija,” he said softly, as though the baby could hear anything he said.  She was still screaming with full force.  “What’s wrong tonight, huh?  I know your daddy has fed you, and bathed you.  He’s changed you and loved on you and read you a story and rocked you...should we sing together?  Would that help?”  Rafael began to rock back and forth in rhythm with the song he chose.  “Rockabye, mija, on the treetop…” he started, and within seconds, the wails quieted to a hiccuping cry.  Sonny sank into another chair in the room, watching.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When the bough breaks, the cradle will rock…”  They continued to rock, and the crying slowed to a sniffley-hiccupy sound.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall…”  Marley’s large green eyes looked all around her, as though seeing for the first time.  Her tears slowed and she stretched in Rafael’s arms.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And down comes our mija, cradle and all…”  Her eyes began to close and open more slowly, and a big yawn escaped her little mouth.  Rafael leaned over and kissed her forehead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She continued to yawn, and Sonny reached over to turn on her music, softly.  Rafael continued to rock her, and they all sat quietly in her room.  “Baby mine, don’t you cry…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Usually it was the opposite of this.  Usually Sonny was the one who saved the day, who knew exactly what to do to calm their fussy girl.  Whenever she saw his face, Marlene would almost always burst into giggles.  She wore a big smile with an even bigger stare into his face, and he looked almost the same when he picked her up.  Sonny had been the one who had taught Rafael how to prepare and feed a bottle, how to burp a baby, and how to change a diaper.  He’d taught Rafael how onesies worked and the joy of baby bathtubs.  It was shaking his faith in himself to feel that he couldn’t comfort his baby girl.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was asleep in Rafael’s arms now, absolutely peaceful and angelic, and Rafael looked like he was in love for the first time.  He was staring at his baby with a soft, dreamy smile on his face.  Sonny stood up and moved beside him.  “You want me to lay her down now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can do it,” Rafael told him, gently adjusting the baby’s blanket.  “Did you sing to her, Sonny?  I think she really likes it when we sing.”  He stood up and lay the baby carefully on her back in her crib.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She doesn’t like it when I sing,” Sonny huffed defensively.  “She only likes it when YOU sing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael looked at him sharply.  “Are you sure?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny shrugged.  “Looks like it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael broke into a grin, then grabbed Sonny’s sleeve and led him out of the nursery.  “Do you realize what this means?  It means I can finally do something she likes!  So far she’s just liked you...you make the best bottles and feed them the best, and she laughs when you pick her up and when you give her baths, and---”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She laughs with you too, Rafi,” Sonny started to argue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But not like this!”  Rafael was practically gleeful, and Sonny suddenly didn’t have the heart to disagree anymore.  “Sonny, she </span>
  <em>
    <span>likes </span>
  </em>
  <span>me!  Our daughter </span>
  <em>
    <span>likes </span>
  </em>
  <span>something I do!  It makes her happy!  Maybe even glad I’m her dad!  Do you realize how huge this is?” He was grinning ear to ear, eyes bright with tears.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I made her happy!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny smiled.  This is what he’d been praying for ever since they brought her home--a connection between his husband and their daughter that was authentic and beautiful.  And here it was.  Wrapping his arms around Rafael, he said, “You’re right, baby!  It’s huge!  I told you she’d see what a great daddy you are.  She can’t help but love you, just like me--I can’t help but love you either.  We’re both so blessed with you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael practically giggled as he kissed his husband’s mouth.  And from that night on, Sonny gave the baths and Rafael sang the songs that lulled their daughter to sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. How Marley Got Her Knuffle Bunny</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Knuffle Bunny is Marley's beloved stuffed companion.  She's had him for a long time, and with the exception of Pru, he's her favorite buddy.  If you've ever wondered how he came to join her, this story should answer your questions!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you have any young children in your life, I would highly recommend Knuffle Bunny by Mo Willems.  There's sequels, including Knuffle Bunny Too and Knuffle Bunny Free, which are equally as wonderful.  In fact, I can pretty much vouch for anything Mo Willems has written as being terrific and tons of fun.  Let's just say you're never too old for Mo Willems, nor for a knuffle bunny.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It had been four days since Sonny left this time, and Rafael was done with pretending he was okay with this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they had talked about it in theory, he’d known it would be hard but had imagined the baby would serve as a comfort to him, rather than another stressor.  The first time Sonny had gone, the reality of being a sudden single father had crashed down on him within twenty-four hours.  Everything was now his responsibility, and he hadn’t been prepared for it.  He ended up at his mother’s door three days in with two unused diapers and a bag of dirty laundry.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lucia Barba had massive maternal guilt.  She knew she had failed her only son in many ways as a child, even wearing two of those on his lower back.  So when he showed up on her doorstep with her beautiful baby granddaughter, looking all kinds of distressed, she took the fourteen-month old and welcomed him in.  She owed it to him, and so much more.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This time he’d made it an extra day.  He felt like an abject failure, taking an uber to his mom’s place, but he couldn’t handle the stress, and he knew it wasn’t good for Marlene.  He’d been home for roughly five hours and his patience was past wearing thin.  So far she’d dumped the flour and sugar canisters all over the kitchen floor (she’d apparently climbed a chair and pushed them over the counter), spat bites of cheetos all over the living room (damn Sonny and his obsession with those orange-powdered projectiles!), and taken off her diaper and peed in the middle of his bed (how it was possible for a two-year old to have a bladder that big he’d never understand).  And he thought it was rough when she was barely walking, last time Sonny was undercover.  It was almost nine p.m. on a Friday night when he knocked on his mother’s door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It swung open quickly.  “Mijo,” she sighed.  “I expected you yesterday. You made it one day longer, this time.  Hola, bebita,” she cooed to the cranky toddler who was softly whining against her father’s shoulder.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I need some help,” he told her as he stepped inside of her apartment.  “Time to myself to think would be perfect.”  He handed the little girl to her and set her bag down, next to his rolling bag, then sank into the recliner.  “I have question trees I need to finish, research I need to do, motions I need to write...I can’t do that with her peeing on my bed and launching food chunks across the room.  I need you to watch her while I work.  I can stay here too if you need anything.  You have a bottle of wine?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mother sat on the couch across from him, snuggling and kissing her granddaughter’s head, but when she looked at her son, her expression was stony.  “Rafael, you and Sonny made a choice to become parents.  That’s a twenty-four hour job.  It is not my responsibility to do your job when your daughter needs you, and I’m thoroughly disappointed in your lack of willingness to take responsibility here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael huffed up his chest and crossed his arms.  “Are you trying to tell me I should be doing all of this by myself?  That you’re not willing to help me?”  He stared at Marlene, who had curled up against his mother and closed her eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I helped you last time.  I expected you to have learned from that and set up whatever support you felt you needed, not come back to dump her on me and run.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine.”  He stood quickly, reaching over and scooping Marlene up from his mother, and both grandmother and granddaughter looked surprised.  “We’ll go home then.  If you can’t watch her so I can work, I might as well go home.”  He tossed her diaper bag over his empty shoulder and grabbed his rolling bag.  “I thought I could count on you, but apparently some things never change,” he said, trying to sound as cruelly justified as possible, but failing as his voice trembled in his throat.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>An hour later he was back home, locking his door.  Marlene had fallen asleep in the uber and was now on his shoulder.  He felt guilty, knowing he hadn’t kept her schedule, and carefully undressed her to change her diaper.  She fussed slightly, but by the time he got her back into a clean diaper and a sleepshirt and socks, she was asleep again, and he lay her in her crib.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He poured himself a large tumbler of scotch, no interest at all in keeping track of how much he was consuming.  He felt sorry for himself, moping on being alone with a two-year old.  A bratty two-year old, he thought to himself as he took another sip of his scotch.  He wondered where Sonny was, what role he was playing, if he was safe wherever he was.  If he was thinking about Rafael.  A few years ago, they would have been out on a night like this, drinking, possibly dancing, flirting heavily.  Coming home and getting passionately fucked.  For a moment his mind settled on a particular memory from a few years ago, when they were still dating.  They were both a few shots beyond tipsy, and Sonny had tied him to the bed.  “Ready to play, counselor?’ that Staten Island accent had teased, and he watched as the younger man slowly dribbled the $200 wine into his navel.  “Heads up, Rafael,” he’d teased, leaning down and sucking the liquid from Rafael’s stomach before continuing on to his erection.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>God, he missed those times.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pah-pi?” A tiny voice got his attention.  Dammit, she must have climbed out of her crib again!  He and Sonny had been talking about how she needed a toddler bed before she killed herself.  He shook his head, trying to clear the tipsiness.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, bebita.  Let’s go night night.”  He stood up and stepped toward her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ou Dah-dee?” She bit her bottom lip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew enough of her speech patterns to know what she was trying to ask.  “He’s working, honey.  Let’s go night night, okay?”  He picked her up, and instead of fighting him, she snuggled into his shoulder, sniffling.  “It’s okay,” he said, patting her back.  “You’re okay, sweetie.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dah-dee,” she said again softly.  “Marwee sad.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He stood stock still in his tracks, unable to move.  All this time, he’d only thought about himself, how he was feeling, thinking the tiny human in his arms was just going through life as usual, incapable yet of actually understanding anything around her.  Obviously, she was smarter than he gave her credit for.  She was missing Sonny just like he was, and he hadn’t offered her a lick of comfort through it all.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He turned out the lamp and picked up his scotch glass, depositing it in the sink, before carrying her back to his room.  “Marley, do you want to sleep in Papi and Daddy’s bed tonight?”  He justified it by telling himself the crib was no longer safe with her ability to climb, but the truth was, he wanted her nearby, and he wanted to be nearby for her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her little head nodded quickly, and he deposited her onto the bed.  She looked up at him and smiled a big, toothy smile.  “No pee pee!” she told him, pointing to the covers and shaking her curls.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled back.  “That’s right, sweetheart,” he told her.  “No peepee in the bed.  Lay down, now.  Papi’s gonna change and then I’ll be right there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pah-pi nigh night?” she babbled as he changed into his pajamas.  “Pah-pi Dah-dee nigh night...Marwee nigh night.”  When he turned around, she was lying on Sonny’s side of the bed under the blanket, with her thumb in her mouth.  He smiled at her and she smiled back and waved, then said, “Marwee nigh night, Pah-pi.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He used the bathroom, then opened the door again as he brushed his teeth before finally climbing into bed.  He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her forehead.  “Goodnight, my sweet girl,” he murmured to her sleeping form.  “Papi’s gonna try harder for you, baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The next morning, he got them both dressed and fed, and then took an uber to Target.  Yesterday he would have waited until Sonny came home to decide on a new toddler bed.  Today?  He was an adult man, perfectly capable of buying his daughter a bed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He walked down the aisle with Marley holding his hand, checking prices and styles.  Most were either practical or heavily commercialized; he knew there was no way he would bring home a bed with cartoon characters all over it.  Marley stopped to look at one in particular with animals on it.  “Moo-moo tow, Pah-pi!” she said excitedly.  Pointing to the next animals, she continued, “Duckie go quack quack!  Wambie say bahhhh, bahhhh!”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s right, Marley!  So smart!” he praised her.  Twenty minutes later, he’d picked out the bed he wanted and taken its ticket, heading toward the register, when suddenly Marlene stopped walking.  He turned to see why.  “Bunny!” the little girl cried.  “Bunny!  Hop, hop, hop!”  She hopped up and down, pointing to a stuffed bunny attached to a book.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You like that, baby?” he asked, and she nodded.  “Nigh night, Pah-pi.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You like it for night night?”  He picked up the bunny and the book attached.  The book was titled “Knuffle Bunny.”  He shrugged his shoulders.  “Why not?  You’ve been a good girl, haven’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded enthusiastically, curls bobbing everywhere.  “Nigh night bunny!  Marwee good girl!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He smiled and ruffled her curls.  “For your new bed, Marley Mae.  Daddy’s gonna be so surprised to see you have a new bed!”  He handed her the bunny and book, and she immediately hugged and kissed the bunny. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dah-dee.  Dah-dee,” she said, kissing the bunny.  Rafael steered her toward the registers.  She looked up at him again with big eyes.  “Ou Dah-dee?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael bent down and picked her up, getting in line.  “He’ll be home soon, honey.  I promise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dah-dee,” she said again, and hugged the bunny tight.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael pretended there was something in his eye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Look at you!” Sonny gushed a few days later, carrying his daughter around as Rafael proudly displayed the new toddler bed his mother had helped him assemble the other day.  “I can’t believe you did this on your own, Rafael--Father of the Year, babe!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael blushed proudly.  “You act like it’s a big deal to keep an eye on a two-year old who can tear the house apart in .43 seconds,” he teased.  “We did great, didn’t we, mija?” He leaned forward and kissed Marley’s forehead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dah-dee home,” she said, nodding her head.  “Dah-dee, Pah-pi, Marwee.  Home!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s right, honey,” Rafael praised her.  “Did you show Daddy your bunny?” She reached for the stuffed animal on her new bed and Rafael elbowed Sonny.  “She was so cute with it,” he murmured.  “She kept calling it Daddy and hugging and kissing it.  God, did she miss you!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marlene held up the bunny to Sonny.  “Bunny!” she told him.  “Knuffle bunny nigh-night!”  She turned it around, as though inspecting it.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I like your bunny, Marley Mae!  Do you love your knuffle bunny, baby?” Sonny asked, kneeling at her level.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She kissed the bunny and grinned at him, then threw herself in his arms again.  “Dah-dee home.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Baby's First Word</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After a little too much sound manipulation, Sonny and Rafael get their daughter to say her first word...but it's not what they were expecting.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“There’s my baby!” Sonny took the eight-month old baby from his mom.  “I missed you, dolly!  My precious girl.  My sweet Marley Mae.”  He kissed her head and snuggled her close.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Don’t be so standoffish,” Deb teased.  “You’ll give her a complex.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No!”  Sonny made a face and kissed Marley’s nose.  “Daddy loves his baby girl so much!  SO so much.”  The baby giggled and babbled back at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dah bis eem ah!” she said, then pressed her open mouth against his cheek in a baby version of a kiss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Deb chuckled.  “She’s so close to saying ‘dada’.  I keep hoping I’ll intercept it and get a Deb instead of a Daddy out of her first!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bite your tongue,, Ma!” Sonny teased.  “Poor Rafael, he doesn’t have a chance of getting a Papi first.  She’s not making that sound at all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Deb leaned over and kissed her granddaughter’s forehead.  “Every mom in the world can identify with Rafael.  I love you, sweet baby girl,” she said, picking up her bag.  “I’ll see you all tomorrow morning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Bye Ma.  Be safe. Tell Grammy bye-bye,” he told the baby, waving her hand.  “‘Bye-bye, Grammy!’” he said in a singsong voice, and Marley giggled, then yelled, “Bah!  Bah!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s right, baby girl!  Such a smart girl!” he cooed.  “You’re gonna say ‘Da-da’ any time, aren’t you?  Yes, you are…’da-da, da-da!’”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She giggled some more, swinging her chubby little arms around in excitement, and said, “Da-bee-goo-ta!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello my sweet baby girl,” Rafael greeted her in her high chair, kissing her cheek.  “Kissy, kissy, kissy face,” he teased her, and she giggled, grabbing for his face.  “I love you, my baby!  Kissy, kissy.”  He smothered her face with kisses until she giggled loudly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tiss-a-da-bah-ook!” she told him as he sat down across from Sonny.  Her high chair sat between them, and Sonny had already put some zwieback on it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ma says she’s about to start talking anytime,” Sonny told him as they dug into dinner.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael nodded.  “I believe it!  Did you hear her just now?  I think she said ‘dah-bah’ or something.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny chuckled.  “As long as she’s not one of those kids whose first word is dick or something like that.  Can you imagine having to record THAT in her baby book?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What, that she called Buchanan by name?” Rafael teased.  Turning to the baby, he cooed, “Go ahead, baby...you can call him by what he is…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“God, don’t jinx it!” Sonny cried, then turned to Marley with a green bean.  “Here, try this, princess.  And don’t you let Papi teach you any bad words!  No, don’t do that...you want to say Dah-dee!  That’s right, dah-dee…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dah-buh-tees-doh,” she told him, nodding.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Close, honey!  Try again, dah-dee...dah-dee…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dah-doe-dink-kah!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dah-dee…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael took another bite of the fish.  “What’d you put on this, dill?  It’s really good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dill-kee-day-tah-doe,” Marley babbled as she chewed on a string bean.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny rolled his eyes.  “Thanks for distracting her.  Now she’ll call me ‘dill-dee’ instead of ‘dah-dee’.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“‘Dill-dee’,” Rafael chuckled.  “Now THAT would be awesome.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“‘Dill-dee’ would most certainly NOT be awesome!” Sonny argued.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dill-dee!” Marley squealed suddenly, and both men looked at each other in shock, before Rafael busted out laughing.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dill-dee!”, she repeated.  “Dill-doe!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rafael!”  Sonny exclaimed.  “Did you hear that?  SHE’S TALKING!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“DILDO!” Marley yelled excitedly.  “Dill-doe-dah-dee!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael was bent over, face red, tears rolling down his face.  “I’m glad this is so funny to you,” Sonny said, trying to fight back his own laughter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She called--she called you--”  Rafael wheezed, laughing so hard he couldn’t catch a breath.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dill-doe-dah-dee-bah,” Marley said, watching her papi as he wiped his eyes and grabbed his phone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I gotta get this,” Rafael gasped, trying to bring up his video feature.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Too late,” Sonny told him as he turned his phone toward his husband.  “Look up and say hi.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The First Baby</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sometimes Rafael would stop in the park on his way home and just watch people.  Many times it was just children with their nannies and babysitters, parents too busy working to be present or to be bothered, of which he wasn’t sure.  But sometimes he saw moms and dads playing with their children--going up and down slides, swinging them high and catching them as they flew, digging deep in the sand and pretending to arrive in China.  </p><p>One time he saw Hailey there, in the park, sitting by a tree with a boy.  Edward wasn’t with her.  He called her companion a boy but really, he was a man; he looked to be in his early twenties, with dark hair and eyes and a bit of poorly groomed facial hair.  They were kissing, making out, and for a second he wondered if this was Edward’s father, and if they were making baby number two.  But then Hailey turned her head and she saw him looking at her, and she awkwardly stood and urged the boy-man to come with her.  They walked away, and despite Rafael returning to that same bench several more times over the months, he never saw her again.</p><p>****</p><p>The story of the baby that wasn't meant to be.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks so much for reading!</p><p>If you've read my fic "Family", which I wrote toward the start of this AU, you know that Marlene was not the first baby that Sonny and Rafael tried to adopt.  They had tried once before, and Rafael confided in Olivia that it nearly broke Sonny when it fell through, to the point he didn't want to try again.</p><p>This is the story of that baby and the heartache that followed.</p><p>Kudos and comments are so inspiring to me!  Please feel free to leave your thoughts, ideas, prompts, etc. and I promise to respond!  Thanks again and I hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Marlene was their second baby, even though she was the only one they adopted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There had been one before her, but they didn’t talk about it very much.  It was too painful to remember it.  The excitement, the anxiousness, the thrill, and then the soul-crushing despair of coming home with an empty carrier that day.  The day the baby who was supposed to be their son was born.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something with Hailey, the birth mother, had felt off that day, Sonny knew it, but he didn’t want to believe his gut.  They’d done everything they were supposed to do, every step of the way.  And Hailey had called them that morning, letting them know she’d gone into labor and would see them in a little while at Mercy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It would be nearly two years before Sonny could will himself into that hospital again without breaking down.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They had visited Hailey and her mom in her birthing suite.  The worker from the agency, Ms. Reid, and Rita Calhoun, serving as their attorney, had also come by to make sure everything was in order.  They had been talking and the conversation had been light for a while, until finally Hailey’s mother had suggested they wait elsewhere.  The labor was progressing and she felt it was better for Hailey if they were in the waiting room.  They had previously discussed staying for the birth of their son, and Hailey had agreed, so they had been a little surprised.  But Rafael had gently murmured to Sonny that they should go, that their little boy would be there soon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And he was.  Ethan Luis was born two hours later.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That should have been his name.  They had spent weeks discussing and picking it out.  They had it monogrammed on half of the items in the nursery. They found out later that Hailey ended up naming him Edward, after that vampire character in some movie she loved.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When the bell rang in the hospital announcing his birth, Rafael and Sonny had looked at each other excitedly, wondering if that bell was announcing the birth of their son, the one they’d wanted for what had seemed like forever.  And they waited for Pam, Hailey’s mom, to get them from the waiting room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Pam didn’t come out.  At first, they thought maybe it wasn’t their baby that was born, and the bell was for somebody else.  Then they wondered if there had been complications.  Rafael asked a nurse at the desk if everything was okay; she went to check and returned a few minutes later, saying the baby was fine, and someone would be with them in a minute.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That someone turned out to be the social worker, who invited them downstairs for coffee, which they refused, so she invited them to a quieter area of the waiting room, where she told them, gently but directly, that fifteen-year old Hailey had changed her mind.  Baby Ethan would be baby Edward.  And they could go.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This sometimes happened, she explained as kindly as she could.  Girls are young and it’s a major decision.  Hailey’s mom had doubts about the adoption herself as the time grew closer.  And as soon as Hailey saw her baby, well…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rita did her job.  She asked questions and she threatened legal action, even though they all knew the law.  Finally Rafael gently stopped her.  Ethan wasn’t meant for them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They took a cab straight home in numb silence, managing somehow to text their mutual mothers and pass on the news.  Sonny brought the baby carrier in from the cab, and Rafael held the door for him.  He took it into Ethan’s room, and for a moment, there was silence.  Then Rafael heard the carrier being thrown forcefully against a wall, and before he could stop anything, Sonny was hellbent on destruction, tearing the nursery into bits.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael was finally able to stop his madness, prying broken pieces of furniture from his husband’s hands, before pulling him hard against his body and trying to provide some source of comfort.  At some point he was able to wash and bandage Sonny’s hands, bleeding from the brutality he displayed.  He guided Sonny to bed, and he collapsed into agonizing tears, the only ones he’d end up shedding for months.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And when the house was quiet, Rafael turned his phone off and opened his finest scotch and downed it, a jigger at a time, until he blacked out drunk on his couch for the first time in years.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This one is very interested in you two,” the agency worker, Ms. Reid, had told them.  “Her name is Hailey Boyd, and she’s fifteen.  She’s expecting a boy, and is about twenty weeks.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fifteen?” Rafael asked.  “Isn’t that a bit...young?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ms. Reid had sighed.  “Unfortunately, it’s not as unusual as you’d think.  She’s claiming she doesn’t know who the father is.  She was fourteen when she found out she was pregnant, and the proper agencies were notified.  But the pregnancy is a healthy one, and you all are her first choice for an adoptive family.  We can set up a meeting right away, if you’re interested.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hailey was a shy, small teenager with big brown eyes, pale skin, and mousy brown hair.  Rafael and Sonny had speculated frequently how old her “boyfriend” was, if he really was her boyfriend at all, and if he knew she was pregnant.  Hailey had reported that she didn’t know who the father was, and the agency accepted that at face value.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They had turned to Rita to handle all the details and payments.  They paid for all of Hailey’s medical care, and she had included them in her prenatal visits.  At some point, Rafael had noticed that the girl’s clothing was far too tight for her and wearing thin, so they had voluntarily purchased her a maternity wardrobe.  Nothing extravagant, but enough that she could feel good about herself, and seeing the smile on her face the next week had brought some happiness to Rafael.  “She needed that, Sonny,” he said.  “Perked her up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They provided her with gifts for holidays and birthdays as they went through the months building up to the baby’s birth. It was important to them that she knew how grateful they were.   As they prepared the nursery, Sonny invited Hailey and her mom over for dinner to see the progress they had made on baby Ethan’s room.  “It’s really cool!” Hailey had told him shyly when she saw it at first.  “He’s gonna be so lucky to live here.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A week before she was due, they bought Hailey a special mother’s spa day at a local salon, providing for a prenatal massage, hair, nails, and the works.  To show her how appreciative they were, they said.  They wrote it on the card.  “To Hailey, our baby’s wonderful mom.  We are more appreciative than you know.  Thank you for everything.  Much love, Sonny and Rafael.”  She looked great when they saw her at the hospital in labor.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny couldn’t talk about it.  Rafael had never seen someone with such a broken heart.  He had thought when Yelina left him for Alex, his heart had been smashed.  And it had, so much so that he’d only had one other significant relationship until Sonny, and he hadn’t been able to move forward in that.  But Sonny...this was different.  It was as though Sonny’s soul had been destroyed.  Everything he believed about who he was supposed to be had been altered, and there was no going back.  The innocence, the joy, the light that had once existed in his husband’s heart was gone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sometimes Rafael would stop in the park on his way home and just watch people.  Many times it was just children with their nannies and babysitters, parents too busy working to be present or to be bothered, of which he wasn’t sure.  But sometimes he saw moms and dads playing with their children--going up and down slides, swinging them high and catching them as they flew, digging deep in the sand and pretending to arrive in China.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>One time he saw Hailey there, in the park, sitting by a tree with a boy.  Edward wasn’t with her.  He called her companion a boy but really, he was a man; he looked to be in his early twenties, with dark hair and eyes and a bit of poorly groomed facial hair.  They were kissing, making out, and for a second he wondered if this was Edward’s father, and if they were making baby number two.  But then Hailey turned her head and she saw him looking at her, and she awkwardly stood and urged the boy-man to come with her.  They walked away, and despite Rafael returning to that same bench several more times over the months, he never saw her again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is she out of her goddamn mind?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ms. Reid had left a message on Rafael’s cell, saying she had another mother who was interested in them being her baby’s adoptive parents.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>To be honest, it should have never happened.  Rafael had been put in charge of closing their file at the agency shortly after things fell through.  Sonny obviously was in no emotional place to handle it.  Rafael had said he’d do it, but then he kept putting it off, almost hoping that one day he’d forget to do it.  And then one day he did, and now she was calling again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Listen,” Rafael had said, taking his husband’s hand in his own and squeezing it gently, “maybe it’s meant to be, babe.  We haven’t heard anything from them until now, and it’s been over a year.  We all forgot about it.  But this mother, she asked specifically for people who were in community service positions.  Some kind of minorities.  And she’s got a scholarship lined up for college next year, so she has future plans she doesn’t want to give up.  It might work this time, Sonny...we could at least meet with her and see what she says.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Corrine Washington was a short, curvy honor student with long, thick brown hair, big green eyes, and beautiful olive skin.  They met her, with Ms. Reid, at a Starbucks the first time, where she asked them why they wanted to be parents, and they had each explained their own personal reasons.  She had nodded a lot, but not said much else.  The second time they met with her had been at their house, with both Rita and the social worker there, and she only had one question:  “How will my baby know you love her?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael had spoken first, about his understanding of how critical that love was and the actions they both would be taking every day to show their love, not the least of which would be telling the child every day how much she was loved.  He shared how parts of himself were damaged by missing some of that love as a child himself, and the steps he personally would take to make sure that wasn’t repeated.  He shared his growing library of parenting books, and the nursery they’d been (re)constructing.  And then it was Sonny’s turn.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This baby will know I love her because,” he started easily, and then stammered, and his face suddenly turned red and tears filled his eyes.  “Last year we were supposed to have a baby.  A boy.  We went to the hospital with an empty baby carrier and all the joy and hopes of a new parent, and left with the same empty baby carrier.  It felt as though our son died.  All of our dreams for him, gone.  This baby will know I love her because I know what it feels like to lose that, and I can’t take her for granted, ever.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they arrived on a hot July day for their daughter’s birth, things went differently this time.  They had a clear birthing plan of where they would be and when.  They waited in the family waiting room until the baby was born.  They got to meet the baby while she was being APGAR tested and examined.  They held her for the first time there, and then brought her back to the birthing suite for her mother to say goodbye.  They spent the night in an adjoining suite with their newborn daughter, and brought her home the next day, after naming her Marlene Elizabeth Barba-Carisi, on the official paperwork.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>On March 19th, what would have been Ethan’s second birthday (but was now Edward’s), Sonny brought his baby daughter to church to light a candle and say a prayer for the child who wasn’t theirs.  He continued this ritual each March 19th, and allowed that day to be the one day each year to mourn the loss of the baby who would have been his son.  And over time, he healed. When Marley was four, he brought her with him and let her help him light the candle.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you know that Daddy and Papi had a baby before you?” he had asked her, and her eyes grew large and she shook her head no.  “His name was going to be Ethan.  We loved him very much.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What happened to him, Daddy?” she asked quietly as he carried her to a pew and they sat to pray.  “Did he get dead?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny smiled gently and shook his head.  “No.  His belly momma decided she could take care of him after all.  But on his birthday, I like to remember him with a candle and pray that God is watching over him and blessing him.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wike you do on my birthday!” she whispered excitedly.  Then her expression turned to one of concern.  “Daddy, are you sad?  Do you miss him?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny smiled.  “Sometimes.  But then I remember that God gave him the job of getting me and Papi ready for you, and I feel happy.  And I’m very, very grateful.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marlene nodded, then wrapped her little arms around his neck.  “Me too, Daddy.  I’m grateful tause you’re my best daddy ever.  I wove you.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Birds and The Bees</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Hi Papi.”  Marlene climbed onto the sofa next to Rafael while he was reading.  “I have a twestion for you.”</p><p>“Okay,” he said, putting his bookmark in place and laying his book down.  “What is it?”</p><p>“You know how in art twass, John’s momma is gonna have a baby?  Wemember?”</p><p>He did indeed, and he also remembered her questions about it.  He suddenly desperately wished his husband was here.  “Yes, I do,” he responded, hoping this conversation wouldn’t go how he was anticipating.</p><p>“Well…” she said slowly, bouncing on the sofa, “are you gonna tell me all about it?  You said you would answer my twestions.”</p><p>He felt his cheeks turning red.  “Refresh my memory...I can’t remember exactly what you asked.”</p><p>She reached up and put her hands on either side of his face.  “I asked you how...does...the...baby...get...out?”  She tilted her head back and forth until he was laughing.</p><p>****</p><p>Marlene has some important questions, and Rafael is left to answer them.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi and thanks for reading!</p><p>I highly, HIGHLY recommend the two books named in this fic.  Both "It's NOT the Stork!" and "It's SO Amazing!" are written by Robie Harris and are kid-friendly, easy to read and understand and discuss books about the facts of life for kids.  While I don't personally own "It's NOT the Stork!", both of my kids owned "It's SO Amazing!" and I can't say enough good things about it.  It's a thorough, nonbiased book that provides accurate information about not only conception and birth, but also about all kinds of families, and lots of different issues pertaining to sexuality.  Every kid should have a copy of these on his or her bookshelf.</p><p>If you have thoughts or anything you'd like to share about this fic, I'd love to know!  Leave me a comment and I'll get back with you!  Enjoy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Hi Papi.”  Marlene climbed onto the sofa next to Rafael while he was reading.  “I have a twestion for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” he said, putting his bookmark in place and laying his book down.  “What is it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You know how in art twass, John’s momma is gonna have a baby?  Wemember?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He did indeed, and he also remembered her questions about it.  He suddenly desperately wished his husband was here.  “Yes, I do,” he responded, hoping this conversation wouldn’t go how he was anticipating.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well…” she said slowly, bouncing on the sofa, “are you gonna tell me all about it?  You said you would answer my twestions.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He felt his cheeks turning red.  “Refresh my memory...I can’t remember exactly what you asked.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She reached up and put her hands on either side of his face.  “I asked you how...does...the...baby...get...out?”  She tilted her head back and forth until he was laughing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re just being silly now, is all,” he told her, then tickled her side, and she giggled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” she agreed, “but Papi, how does a baby tome out of its momma?”  A look of concern crossed her face.  “She doesn’t weally poop it out, does she?  Or does it go out her belly button?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled again.  “No, mija.  When a woman has a baby, there is something called a birth canal inside her that connects her uterus to her vagina.  When it’s time, the baby goes into the birth canal and she squeezes it out through her vagina.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley’s eyes grew big, and for a moment she looked down, pressing her shirt close to her belly and looked at her crotch.  Then she looked back at him and started laughing.  “Nuh-uh, you silly!  You’re trickin’ me!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael didn’t know what to say.  He’d never anticipated she would think he was lying.  “No, honey, I’m really not.  I know it seems odd, but that’s what happens.  Maybe you’d like to ask Abby about it?  She can tell you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked down again and then back up, and this time her expression was more serious.  “How does a baby get outta there?  Doesn’t it hurt a wot?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He nodded.  “Well, from what I understand, yes, it does hurt a lot.  But the doctor usually gives the mother some medicine to help, and she also has several people with her to make sure everything goes okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Does she try?” Marley asked, eyes still big.  “Does it hurt the baby?”  Suddenly she got excited.  “I know, Papi!  I bet the baby is weally, weally wittle, and when she gets it out, it...it...it blows up with air!  And then it’s a wegular baby!  Wike, it starts out wike flat stanley, and then POOF!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That’s an interesting idea,” he said carefully, “but that’s not how it happens.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She crossed her arms.  “Well Papi, you don’t have a vagina, so I don’t think you weally know.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He laughed in spite of himself.  “I can promise you, Marlene, that I absolutely DO know, whether I have a vagina or not.  It’s one of those things you learn as you grow up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmph,” she said, still crossing her arms.  “Well do you know how the baby gets IN there?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He suddenly cursed himself for not shutting up five minutes ago.  “Of course I know how the baby gets in there, Marlene.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, how does it, Papi?  Does it just start to grow there?”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No.  In order to make a baby, there has to be a father and a mother.  The mother has an egg in her uterus and the father has something called sperm in his testicles, and--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’s a testa...testy-tool…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighed.  “It’s part of a boy’s body.  Look, I think we need a book to help me explain this--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked confused.  “You don’t know?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I do know...but it’s hard to explain, and I don’t want to confuse you more,” he told her.  “I’m going to order a book from amazon, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Otay,” she agreed, nodding.  “But tan’t you at least tell me what is a testy-tool?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s part of a man’s body.  It’s a private part near his penis that makes sperm.  Sperm is what helps make babies.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” she said, as though she suddenly understood.  “So the daddy uses the testy-tool to make the sperm, and then he puts the sperm in the momma?  For the egg?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Basically,” he agreed.  “And when the sperm and egg meet, they make something we call a fetus, that will grow into a baby inside the momma.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh, otay.”  She took one of his hands in hers and played with his fingers for a minute.  “Papi, how tome you or Daddy didn’t give Torrine your sperm to make me, since you wanted a baby?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s complicated, honey,” he said just as Sonny opened the front door.  “But Daddy and I didn’t know Corrine, and having a baby with someone is also usually something that is very private.  A lot of times, a man and a woman really love each other before they make a baby.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny looked at both of them.  “I think I have somewhere I need to be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Here,” Rafael told him.  “You needed to be here, thirty minutes ago!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hi Daddy,” Marley greeted him.  “Did you know Papi thinks babies get born from a momma’s vagina?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re kidding!” Sonny put on his best shocked face.  “Papi believes THAT?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Uh-huh,” she confirmed.  “But he’s gonna get us a book from amazon to check, wight Papi?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh definitely,” Rafael agreed.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But guys,” Marlene said suddenly, “Papi, how does that sperm stuff get to the egg?  Does the momma eat it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh I think Daddy can explain that one,” he said, smiling broadly as Sonny bent over, coughing hard.  “I wouldn’t want to confuse you any more.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Daddy thinks a book about this is a great idea, dolly,” Sonny said, leaning down and giving their daughter a kiss on the cheek.  “And when we get that book, Papi and I will be sure to explain everything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is why you guys don’t got no tids, isn’t it?” Marley asked frustratedly.  “Tause you don’t know how to get the sperm in the momma!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So does that help explain it all?” Rafael asked a few days later.  He had presented her with a copy of </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s Not the Stork!</span>
  </em>
  <span>, on a recommendation from Liv, and given her plenty of time to look at it on her own before reading the text that directly addressed her question.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I think I understand now, Papi,” she said, running her fingers over one of the glossy pages.  “It’s weally tool, isn’t it?  That a momma tan grow a baby wike that.  And you were wight, the baby weally does get born from the mommy’s vagina!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He chuckled.  “Yeah, I told you I knew.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, Papi,” she told him, looking guilty, before impulsively hugging him.  “I just thought a baby’s too big!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I understand,” he told her, hugging her back.  “And this is your book, to keep and look at and read as much as you want.  And I also have this one, and it’s about the same types of things.”  He handed her a copy of </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s So Amazing!</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and watched her take it with interest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks, Papi!  I wike to know stuff wike this...about my body and stuff.  Stuff we tan do.  And Papi?” she asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hmm?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry you and Daddy tan’t make a baby tause you’re boys.  Are you ever sad about that?” she asked sincerely, and he smiled at her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I’m not.  I like being a boy.  And Daddy likes being a boy, too, probably just like you like being a girl.  But Daddy and I are very grateful that we still got to be parents, because we would have been very sad if we were not able to raise children.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“One day if I make a baby with a boy, I’ll let you feel it move in my belly, wike the book says,” she said confidently.  “And you tan see the pictures they take when it’s in my belly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, that’s nice of you to include me,” he said, trying to imagine this little girl twenty years from now.  The image startled him, and he pushed it out of his mind and focused on her flip through the books instead.  For now, she was his princesa, his mija, his sweet baby girl, and he was determined to enjoy the curiosity and innocence of his precious five-year old.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Even if she did think he was unfamiliar with a vagina.  </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. A Run-In with RSV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sixteen-month old Marlene is horribly sick and spends several days in the hospital, while her (pretty new) dads try to balance work, home, and fears that their baby won't come home.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>RSV is a virus that tends to strike very young children in the fall and winter months, and can be deadly.  Most children just experience it as a cold, but some children get extremely ill, and it can result in complications including pneumonia.  My ex was a respiratory therapist in a NICU, and trust me when I say not every child is as lucky as Noah and survives three bouts of pneumonia in their first two years, when just one of those could kill them.</p><p>We all know Marley doesn't die, but if you're not a parent, just trust me that it's torturous when your baby is sick.  The shower scene and followup email are real.  I read about them a few years back, where a mom took a pic of her husband in the shower with their two or three kids who had been sick with an awful stomach virus, including the baby who had diarrhea.  The dad just stripped him down and took him in the shower for 45 minutes or so until the baby felt better.  This mom sang her spouse's praises to the point that I cried and wished he had a brother.  When your spouse does good stuff, please brag on them.  The world needs more of that.</p><p>As for comments and kudos, I'm sure you know the drill!  Leave 'em if you can and I will be very appreciative!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry to call you home,” Deb apologized to Sonny, “but I’m really worried...she’s slept a lot today, and doesn’t seem to want to eat or drink.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Ma,” Sonny reassured her, while he tried to keep his mother from seeing how scared he was.  “I’ve already called her doctor, and I’m taking her right now.  What’d you say her temperature was last time you took it?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“102.” Deb brushed Marlene’s hair out of her face as Sonny tried to get the toddler’s coat on.  “She threw up first thing this morning, but she hasn’t since then.  She also hasn’t eaten anything and barely drank anything, even in her bottle.  Here, I’m coming with you,” she added, tugging on her own coat and grabbing her purse.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They arrived at the pediatrician’s with Marlene still half-asleep on Sonny’s shoulder.  An occasional cough or wheeze escaped her tiny chest, and he didn’t know whether to feel more sympathetic or worried.  There were several other children in the waiting area, and after he’d checked in, he took a seat next to his mom. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is she warm enough?” Deb asked, wrapping another blanket around her, then suddenly looking wide-eyed at her son.  “Do you hear that?  She’s wheezing horribly...Sonny, I’m scared!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know Ma, me too,” he told her, trying to regulate his own breathing and feeling his daughter’s chest vibrating against his own.  His mother suddenly stood and hurried to the registration desk; he watched her animatedly explain something to the secretary, then turned and waved him over.  He stood and followed both women back to a small treatment room.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, she needs oxygen,” the nurse confirmed immediately.  “Sir, go ahead and lay her down on the table….we’re going to get her some oxygen and I’m going to call an ambulance.  You’ll see Dr. Singh at the hospital once you’re there.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He obediently lay his sixteen-month old baby down.  “What’s wrong with her?  Why can’t she breathe?” he asked, trying to stay calm as the nurse set up a small oxygen tent around Marlene’s head.  “I want to know what’s going on with my daughter!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The nurse looked up at him.  “She’s having trouble moving enough air through her lungs.  That’s why her lips have taken on a bluish hue.  We’re going to try to get her oxygen level up a little bit and then take her directly to Bellevue Children’s.  It’s possible she may have something like pneumonia or RSV.  Right now we just need to make sure she can get enough air, okay, Mr. Barba-Carisi?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Deb grabbed his arm.  “Let her work, Sonny.  It’s gonna be okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Marley, baby?” he murmured, bending down closer to her head, “It’s gonna be okay, baby.  Daddy’s right here.  It’s gonna be okay.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She opened her eyes slightly and reached one hand toward him.  “Dah-dee…” He took her tiny hand in his and kissed it, praying to God that she was okay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s the Children’s Wing...this way,” Liv directed him.  He was completely turned around and for the life of him, couldn’t figure out how to get to where he needed to be.  Blindly, he followed after Liv, praying everything was okay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could remember a year or two ago when Noah was in here, when measles was making a comeback in the city and the little boy was exposed.  He’d felt sorry for Liv at the time.  Noah was a cute kid, and he knew that Liv took her new role as a mother seriously.  But he hadn’t understood the way she </span>
  <em>
    <span>felt.</span>
  </em>
  <span>  He’d watched her running crazy between work and the hospital, and to be honest, he’d been a little grateful that she seemed to rely more heavily on Amaro and Fin at the time.  He wasn’t a guy who really understood kids then.  Not that he understood them now, either.  But now his heart was racing faster than it ever had, his adrenaline was rushing through his body, and his mind was of a singular focus--getting to his toddler and his husband.  “Rafa,” Liv suddenly said, stopping in the middle of the hallway and pointing.  He followed the trajectory of her finger and saw Deb sitting in a chair in a waiting area, and he exhaled heavily.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Deb!” he called, making his way over to her.  As he got closer, he could see her eyes were red-rimmed, and when they made contact with his, she visibly shuddered and stood.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sonny’s in with her,” she said immediately.  “They’ve taken her to run some x-rays.  The doctor thinks it’s RSV, and she might have pneumonia.  She was having trouble breathing and--and--her lips, her little lips were turning blue.”  Her breath caught, and a tear fell from her eye.  He couldn’t help but reach over and hug her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s going to be okay, Deb...thank you so much for looking after her like this.  Oh! Uh, I’m not sure if you remember Lieutenant Benson--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course.”  Deb reached for Liv’s hand and they shook as Liv said, “Mrs. Carisi, I’m so sorry to see you here...I can’t imagine how stressful today has been for you all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sonny,” Rafael suddenly exhaled, and took off toward the hospital room and his husband and daughter.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The nurse guided Marley’s crib back into the room and Sonny wrapped his arms around Rafael.  “They think it’s pneumonia,” he murmured brokenly.  “And her fever is high...I’m just scared, Rafi...so scared.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael squeezed his arms.  “It’s going to be okay, baby.  It has to be.”  Nodding firmly, he stepped around Sonny to see Marlene, who was whimpering softly in her crib.  When she saw him, she drowsily tried to pull herself up using the bars of the crib.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The nurse raised an eyebrow at him.  “She needs to stay inside the crib...it’s tented for her oxygen.”  Rafael nodded, pulling his hands back and watching his daughter’s face crumble into tears. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, bebita,” he told her, pressing his hands against the side of her crib, near her own little hands.  “I’m sorry.  Papi thought he might be able to pick you up, but I was wrong.  You’re such a good girl, aren’t you?  Been so brave for Daddy and Grammy all day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She hacked hard and long before gasping for another breath.  The sound nearly broke his heart, and he glanced behind him, at Sonny, who was fighting back tears.  “Pahhh-pii,” she cried hoarsely and pitifully. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The nurse pulled a chair over to the side of the crib so he could sit.  “I know this is hard, not being able to hold her right now,” she empathized, “but we need to get her oxygen levels up and the tent is critical for that.  Maybe if you sit beside her...if you need to, you can glove up and hold her hand through the crib slats.  You cannot kiss or breathe on her though, right now.  We need to limit her exposure.”  She glanced up at the clock.  “The doctor will be in to see you sometime this evening, before eight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That could be four hours,” Sonny said, accepting a chair from her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She nodded.  “I’m sorry, but you can see--we’ve got kids everywhere right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marley was lying on the mattress, crying nonstop.  “Poor baby,” Rafael murmured, keeping his hand flat against the side of the tent.  “Te amo, mija.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“At least now there are tears,” Sonny told him, shaking his head.  “She was dehydrated earlier...crying with no tears.”  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael continued watching their daughter before finally turning back to Sonny, who was crying silently himself.  “Oh no, Soleado…” Rafael murmured, reaching one hand behind him to catch Sonny’s.  “Don’t cry, baby.  It’s gonna be okay.  This isn’t your fault.  Like she said, there are tons of kids sick right now…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know.  I’m going to go say goodbye to my mom, send her home.”  Sonny left the room and found his mom and Liv sitting in the waiting area together, talking.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey Ma,” he said, sitting nearby, “you might as well go home.  The doc won’t be in until around eight or so, and they’re gonna be keeping her here, i’m pretty sure.  They’ve got her in one of those oxygen tent things.  We can’t even pick her up right now...you won’t be able to see her.  I’ll give you a call as soon as the doc comes through and tells us what’s going on, okay?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mother looked at Olivia for a moment, and then nodded.  “All right.  Is Lucia coming over?  You know, I can stay for as long as you need...bring you all whatever you need...food, drinks, books, whatever…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nobody’s coming, Ma,” he said as evenly as he could.  “We’re fine.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, is Rafael going to stay?” she asked.  “Because I don’t want to leave you here alone to handle this.  I know how upset you are--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s here and he’s staying, Ma.  We’re good and we’re staying.  I promise I’ll call, okay?” He leaned over and kissed his mother, then rested his head in his hands to wait.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hello, Mr. and Mr. Barba-Carisi,” Dr. Singh finally greeted them.  She peeked into the crib at the sleeping baby.  “She’s finally fallen asleep, huh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael nodded.  “Just in the last twenty minutes or so.  She’s just been restless and whimpering most of the time...coughing and wheezing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dr. Singh opened her notes and reviewed them quickly.  “We’ve gotten the results back from the tests we’ve run.  It appears that Marlene has what we call RSV.  It’s a virus that is very common in young children during the winter.  For most, it’s just a cold, but in rare cases we can see situations like this, where a child can get very sick and even develop pneumonia.  Fortunately, it appears you caught it early.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is </span>
  <em>
    <span>early?”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Sonny asked incredulously, and the doctor nodded.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“She has a small pneumonia in her lower left lobe, but we’ve started antibiotics and are supporting her with the oxygen tent tonight.  My hope is she’ll be out of the tent tomorrow and doing better quickly.  You may be home in as few as a couple of days.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A couple of days,” Rafael repeated, staring at their baby in the crib, watching her chest rise and fall and listening to the whoosh of the machines.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not sure if you know, but the seat by the window pulls out into a small sleeping area.  If both of you are staying, you can ask the nurse for a sleeping recliner, and if they can find an extra one, they’ll bring it.”  She looked from the stacking chair Rafael sat in to the identical one Sonny was using, and sighed.  “As you can see, our equipment is stretched thin right now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You have court tomorrow,” Sonny said to Rafael once Dr. Singh had left.  “Why don’t you go home and get some sleep, and just come back tomorrow after you’re done?  I’ll just stay here tonight.  Liv already gave me tomorrow off.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you sure?” He was being selfish, he knew.  But he hated hospitals, felt sick in them ever since Papi died.  Besides, he still had work on his questions for tomorrow’s case.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Positive...as long as you can drop me off a change of clothes in the morning, on your way in.  Could you do that?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael nodded.  “Of course, carino.  I’ll see you both early in the morning.”  Standing, he leaned over and kissed his husband’s forehead.  “I love you both.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Love you too,” Sonny told him, watching his husband leave.  Sonny thought Rafael couldn’t walk faster out of there if he tried.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Marlene was in the hospital three days before they deemed it safe to send her home.  She was on heavy-duty antibiotics and they had strict orders to stay inside and visit with no one.  Rafael’s case had resolved in one day, then it was the weekend, and on Monday he was back in court on a he-said she-said case that was anything but a slam-dunk.  Sonny worked it out with Liv to take the time off, but not before hearing a bit of frustration about understaffing.  And Deb couldn’t seem to help sharing her own opinions about how uneven the work spread seemed to be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And now you’re having to take time off?  Doesn’t that affect YOUR career, Sonny?  I know Rafael has an important career, but so do you, son.  And is he doing anything to help you out with that baby?  She’s incredibly sick--she could have died!  Does he understand that?  I’d think he would want to spend more time with her if he understood that!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He understands, Ma,” Sonny told her wearily, rocking a hot and sweaty toddler.  “He can’t just walk out of court, though.  He helped all weekend and then got up and went to work on Monday.  He’s not sleeping any more than I am.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Somehow I doubt that,” she told him, and he realized he just didn’t have the energy to argue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sonny?”  Rafael entered the apartment to find it quiet, despite the fact it was only four in the afternoon.  He knew automatically they had to be asleep.  This had been the shittiest two weeks of his life, he thought, but then he remembered worse times, and immediately felt irritated.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny was snoring lightly on the bed, his long legs stretched out in sweats and a coffee mug next to him on the nightstand.  Marley’s pack and play was on the floor next to him, and as he began to kick off his shoes, he saw a curly-headed, red-eyed toddler trying to stand inside of it.  She coughed hard and swayed, and Rafael could see the congestion in her nose.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, mija,” he murmured.  “Let’s get in the water.  What do you think?  A nice warm bath to help with that?”  He quickly stepped into the bathroom and turned on the shower, adjusting the temperature.  He pulled out a couple of towels and sat them on the toilet seat, so they’d warm up, then closed the bathroom door.  He stood in the bedroom and undressed down to his boxers, then picked up a fussy Marlene.  Her cries increased while he undressed her, and she coughed hard.  “It’s okay, princesa.  I know you feel awful.  Let’s see if this helps.”  Grabbing a tissue, he quickly wiped her nose before she could squeal too loudly, then stepped into the bathroom with her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A minute later, he settled them in the shower, under the water.  Marley cried loudly, initially unhappy with the water splashing her, so he stood and changed the angle of the shower chair.  “Better, mija?” he asked, and she whimpered again.  He rested her against his shoulder, and began to firmly pat her back until she coughed, breaking up some congestion.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Pah-pii,” she croaked hoarsely, and he held her up so she could see his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What is it, bebita?” he asked, kissing her cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sing,” she croaked, and patted the hair on the top of his head.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You want Papi to sing for you?” he asked, and she nodded, then yawned and coughed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He lay her back against his shoulder again, patting her back firmly as the humidity filled her lungs and soothed them.  Then he began to sing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sang the songs abuelita used to sing to him, first.  The ones he remembered from when he was a little boy.  Then he sang the songs he’d heard Sonny and Deb sing to her.  Then he sang songs from children’s movies, and musicals, and even a couple from the radio, until his toes were pruned and the water was losing its heat.  Then he carefully turned it off and stepped out of the shower, noticing the towels were gone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Here,” Sonny said, handing them back as he stood in the doorway.  “I warmed them for you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thanks.”  He handed their little girl to Sonny and they dried off, warm and more comfortable than before.  Sonny eased Marley back into a diaper and some footie pajamas, and despite her cough, she gave him a tiny smile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Deb was scrolling through facebook that night when a picture of her son-in-law caught her attention.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The first thing she noticed was there was more nakedness than she cared for.  It appeared that Rafael was in the shower, singing to--was that Marley, on his shoulder?  She realized it was Sonny, not Rafael, who had posted it, and began to read what her son had written:</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>In case you’ve ever wondered, this is what love looks like.  Our daughter has been fighting RSV and pneumonia for over a week now.  We’re all exhausted, but I was lucky enough to take the time off and be able to be home with her, while my husband has a job that he couldn’t leave.  He’s worked twelve hour days putting away rapists and murderers, the whole time being terrified about what’s happening to our baby, before coming home to us and doing what he can to give me a break.  Today I crashed.  Baby in her pack and play and me in my bed.  This guy comes home and gets the baby in the shower to clear out her lungs.  He sat in his boxers in the steamy water with our sick child and sang to her for an hour.  If you’re ever lucky enough to have someone make that kind of sacrifice for you, you should hold on and never let go.  I thank God every day my husband is capable of love like this.  I hope I never take it for granted.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She picked up her phone and dialed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Deb,” Rafael answered.  “You need to speak to Sonny?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I was calling to thank you,” she replied.  “Thank you for being such an amazing husband to my son, and such a loving father to my granddaughter.  I know you didn’t have the role model.  I know it’s probably hard sometimes.  But I wanted you to know that I see you, and so does Sonny.  And we think you’re incredible.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was silent for a minute, then Rafael said, “Thank you.  Thank you for saying that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course,” she told him.  “And tell my son he won’t take it for granted, because we won’t let him.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. To Have and To Hold: The Wedding Ceremony</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Before they adopted a child and became rockin' superdads, Rafael and Sonny got married.</p><p>Here is their ceremony, as seen through the eyes of three parents and one abuelita.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy reading!</p><p>This is a short little fic focusing solely on the wedding ceremony of Rafael and Sonny.  It's short and sweet and I hope you enjoy it!  If you need a break from the uber tension of the political scene today, I hope this does it for you--it helped me!</p><p>Kudos and comments are so welcome and appreciated!  Please enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <span>“Beloved, we welcome you here today to witness God’s love grow between Dominick and Rafael.  Two of God’s children have found love in each other, and we rejoice.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lucia dabbed her eyes lightly, unsure of whether her tears were happy or sad ones.  One of her friends had told her she had every right to be disappointed and to grieve the loss of what she would never have--a daughter-in-law, for one, and possibly even grandchildren.  Oh, she knew Querido (that’s what she called him) wanted children.  He would talk dreamily about them adopting one day, and her mijo’s eyes would roll but his face would glow.  As soon as she saw that look, she knew Rafi couldn’t deny Sonny anything.  They would try one of these newfangled ways to have kids, she thought, but it was still a loss.  It was unlikely the child would be related to her.  And then here they were, getting married in this new liberal church that accepted gay people, actually married homosexuals but still claimed to practice the word of the Lord.  It went against everything she’d been brought up believing,  But she knew that Sonny loved it here, and Rafael had even darkened its doorways on more than one occasion.  “Yeah, Mami,” he’d told her several months ago, “they actually believe I’m one of God’s children, that He loves me.  A whole group of people who don’t believe I’m going to hell because I’m in love with a man. Muy loco, eh?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Catalina sat next to her, patting her hand.  As devout as she was, Catalina had always believed God had a special plan for her grandson, even if his parents didn’t.  Now, seeing him standing at the front of a church full of people, looking incredibly handsome in his charcoal-gray tuxedo and lavender boutonniere with a sprig of baby’s breath, she knew that plan was coming to fruition.  Rafael and Sonny were each flanked by a woman wearing a lavender gown.  Lucia had told her that Rafi’s friend Olivia was standing up for him, and that Sonny had asked his partner, Detective Rollins, if she’d stand up for him.  All in all, they looked beautiful, and she knew this was a memory she would treasure.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Fin Tutuola was reading some scripture now, from 1 Corinthians.  Love is patient, love is kind.  Dom couldn’t believe the church was this full, so many people here who clearly love Sonny and Rafael.  He’d struggled for years to come to terms with his only son’s sexuality, especially with all the girls Sonny had brought home over the years.  Oh, he’d heard of other guys who occasionally liked to fool around with men, then go home to their wives, and he’d wondered if that was who Sonny would become.  When Sonny first brought Rafael around, Dom had literally shaken his head and laughed when they left his house.  There was no way his kid was going to be in a long-term relationship with a man like </span>
  <em>
    <span>that.</span>
  </em>
  <span>  Clearly gay, obviously older, definitely more sophisticated than his boy.  He had doubts that Rafael Barba had ever done a hard day of physical labor in his life.  And forget about sports teams--it was clear that this “Rafi” fella would rather talk about the arts than sports.  In fact, he’d had a nice conversation with Deb in the kitchen over the plot highlights of Hamilton.  But over time, Rafael had proven his worth to the Carisi family.  Everything from the prosecution of Tommy’s rapist to putting Mia in touch with his mother when she needed assistance with her college essays, to sitting all night in a hospital waiting room with Gina when her fiance of the moment had been in a car wreck and nobody else was readily available.  Rafael had shown he was a good man, and Dom had grown to greatly respect him.  And now, seeing his only boy vowing to love this man forever, Dominick Sr. sniffed quietly, fighting off tears he would definitely deny if anyone saw them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And now, Dominick and Rafael have written their own vows to share with one another.  Dominick, we’ll start with you.”  The minister moved the microphone closer to Sonny, who shot a quick, bright grin at Rafael, before beginning to speak.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My beautiful Rafael, today I choose you as my life partner.  I have always believed God performs miracles, and now I know it’s true, because I prayed for someone perfect for me, and here you are.  Don’t confuse that with being perfect, because we all know that despite what you’d have us believe, you are human.” There was laughter among the crowd.  “But you bring out the best in me, make me the very best version of myself that I could be, and I love you for that.  I used to worry that I wouldn’t be enough for you, but you have erased every concern I’ve ever had by treating me as your capable and worthy counterpart.  My best moments are spent with you, and I can’t wait for more of them every day, throughout this adventure we call life.  Today I promise to love you always, in every way; to accept every part of you; to care for you and take care of you every day, for richer or poorer, in sickness, and in health, until this life ends and we move into the next one.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael was smiling, a crooked grin with flushed cheeks that matched Sonny’s as the minister moved the microphone over to him.  “And now, Rafael will share his vows with Sonny.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My dearest Dominick, I never dreamed I would find someone like you, someone who saw past the crotchety, snarky exterior and into the quieter, less confident man.  But not only did you crack my shell, you seem to like me.”  He paused as everyone chuckled.  “On our first date, you promised me a good time, and you’ve been delivering ever since.  Today, I’m making some promises to you.  I promise to love you fully, every day.  I promise to rejoice in your successes and support you in your challenges.  I promise to laugh with you, to cry with you, to hold you and to comfort you.  I promise to take the time to listen to you and to shut my mouth on occasion.”  More chuckles.  “But mostly, my beautiful Soleado, I choose you to be my husband, my lover, my best friend, from today until we draw our last breaths.”  Sonny reached over and gently wiped the tears off of Rafael’s face with his thumbs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Deb dried her own face.  Her tears were falling quickly now, more than at any of her other children’s weddings.  Maybe it was because Sonny was her only son.  Maybe it was because she’d personally witnessed the kind of gentle, giving love that the men shared.  She’d rarely seen the kind of love that Sonny shared with Rafael, love that wasn’t focused on the fancy wedding details but the years of marriage afterward.  In fact, when she’d asked her son what he was most looking forward to at the wedding, his answer had been, “being married to Rafael”.  In contrast, Theresa had appreciated her open bar, and Bella loved her cake.  Deb couldn’t blame her--that cake was delicious.  But Sonny and Rafael...of all her children, she thought they had the best chance of staying together for life.  They both seemed to really understand that relationships weren’t naturally easy.  Watching them join together today, spiritually as one, filled her with joy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dominick, please place the ring on Rafael’s left ring finger and repeat after me:  With this ring, I thee wed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sonny smiled, dimples ablaze and tears in his eyes.  Rafael wiped one away, then held out his hand as Sonny slid on the tungsten ring he’d had engraved.  “With this ring, I thee wed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Rafael, please place the ring on Dominick’s left ring finger and repeat after me:  With this ring, I thee wed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Rafael was grinning crookedly, and Sonny winked at him.  Sliding the ring on Sonny’s finger, he said happily, “With this ring, I thee wed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“By the power vested in me by the state of New York, and by our loving God, I now pronounce you married.  You may seal your vows with a kiss.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was hard to say who initiated, but Rafael’s arms wrapped around Sonny’s neck as Sonny’s arms wrapped around Rafael’s waist, and their lips met perfectly, joined in a beautiful symbol of their love.  Somebody whistled, then a few others joined in, and then there was clapping and laughter and the men separated slightly before kissing one another gently once more.  </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The minister quickly clasped a hand on the shoulder of each man.  “Let me be the first to introduce you all to Rafael and Dominick Barba-Carisi!”  There was clapping and whistling, and somebody yelled, “Go, Barisi!”  Rafael and Sonny took each other’s hand and, each grinning at the other, walked down the aisle, ready for anything the world would toss at them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Ready with each other.</span>
</p>
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